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NBA All-Volatile Team

Somewhere, I read someone making commentary on the Stephen Jackson “I wanna be a contendah!” situation – and they suggested that Jackson to LA would be riveting.  Cap’n Jack & Ron-ron on the same team?  Priceless… then I thought… how about taking that one step further!
Put this roster together, and you’d have to keep all flammable material far, far away. So without further ado, here is a team that would be very, very entertaining to watch…
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STARTING AT THE POINT…
Who else could we start but Stephon Marbury? Perhaps the craziest man to ever lace up a basketball shoe, Steph brings a weird mix of the vulnerable, and the intensely lunatic to the court.  Whether it’s crying on webcam because of his situation in New York, or eating vaseline – it’s a given that Starbury will be entertaining.  In a “oh-god-I-can’t-look-away-from-this-carwreck” kinda way.
INTRODUCING YOUR SHOOTING GUARD…

angry-jr-smithJR Smith.  JR’s definitely been incredibly volatile over the past year.  Night club incidents, flashing gang signs during games, an alleged association with the Bloods street gang, and even jail-time – “Earl Smith III” is exactly the type of player that we want on the All-Volatile roster.  He’s quick to anger, and never met a shot he didn’t like.  His current level of off-court ineptitude at presenting a good image gives him the starting role over Kobe.

YOUR SMALL FORWARD IS…
A no-brainer.  Some would argue literally.
And that is Ron Artest.  The guy who started the single biggest blight on the record of the NBA – the Malice in the Palace.  Dubbed “Crazy Pills”, it’s only just come to light how nutsoid he was in his time at Houston.  LA’ve got their work cut out for them this season – just to keep this guy focused (but they do, and they’re on the cusp of another championship)…
AT THE POWER FORWARD POSITION IS…
Of course, Kevin Garnett.  No player in the NBA has a better assortment of firepower in getting under the skin of opponents.  It could be screaming at his own team-mates, and making them cry… jawing off at an opponent’s point guard… crawling around on defense on all fours and barking like a dog… or screaming from the bench at opponents (whilst wearing a suit!)… or even laying out the well-timed cheap shot – hell: KG brings it every night.

AND YOUR CENTER FOR TONIGHT IS…
Shaquille O’Neal.  Whilst Shaq lacks the outright combustibility that most of his team-mates will possess, his off-court game is unparalleled by any on this roster.  Snide, immensely in need of the spotlight, more than willing to sell out someone or steal their ideas, or even throw the coach under the bus – Shaq’s brilliant for the team.
THE COACH…
Who else but the NBA’s own answer to Ron Jeremy, Stan Van Gundy?
Narrowly squeezing Larry Brown out, with this particular team lead by SVG, we could be guaranteed panic, freaking out, and proclamations of “It’s all my fault!” on a nightly basis.  The love shared between SVG and Shaq is just an added bonus that could make for some heady post-game interviews…
POLISHING THE PINE FOR TONIGHT’S GAME…
We have a talented cast of personalities guaranteed to bring the sharpest of tongues, most combustible of tempers to the court every game.  Vicious post-game commentary’s a given.

Kobe Bryant
Whilst Kobe’s gotten his life together – at last somewhat (and thus loses the starting position) – no other player in the NBA is as divisive to fans as Kobe Bean Bryant.  You either love him or hate him: there is no middle ground.  Paint him as a villain, or at best misguided, there’s no doubting that at times Kobe’s been a complete diva, and that he had at least some part to play in the destruction of the last true dynasty in the NBA.
It was only a little over 2 years ago that Kobe Bryant demanded to be traded from the Lakers.  It’s a safe bet that he’s happy that Mitch Kupchak bit the bullet, and kept him on the roster.  #24 needs to be a focal point within any roster’s offense, and the amount of firepower on this roster could make it interesting (unless he re-invents his play a la the Redeem Team, then he stays benched).
Rasheed Wallace
The all-time king of the technical, Sheed’s a “must-include” on any roster relying on a player’s ability to freak out.  Sheed brings a heap of demons to the court, and as an added bonus with him being one of the more vocal members of the Pistons in the Pacers/Pistons brawl – lo and behold we have Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson on this team as well!  Sheed’s always been good for an interesting quote or two, he would definitely make for some interesting post-game commentary.
Stephen Jackson
Cap’n Jack’s just the latest in a long line of NBA players heading towards the twilight of their career on a mediocre team to scream “TRADE ME!!!”.
Lest we forget, Cap’n Jack was one of the key figures in the Malice in the Palace – his inclusion on this team is simply inevitable.

Allen Iverson
AI not only demands a lot of the ball, but has a unique blend of combustibility that could make it very interesting…
“I know it’s important, I honestly do but we’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice man. (laughter from the media crowd)
We’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice. We’re not talking about the game. We’re talking about practice. When you come to the arena, and you see me play, you’ve seen me play right, you’ve seen me give everything I’ve got, but we’re talking about practice right now…
…but we’re talking about practice man, we’re not even talking about the game, when it actually matters, we’re talking about practice.
…How in the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing?”
Nate Robinson
Krypto-nate’s propensity for taking shots makes him a key component on any team that’s hoping to implode that already has a heap of shot-taker/makers. Disagreements with coaching staff, in-team altercations and fighting with opponents, Nate’s a natural at this style of ‘ball.  Given his court-time’s going to be WAY down on this roster, look for a nasty confrontation between he and coach Stan Van Gundy.  Great stuff.
Carlos Boozer
Who else can guarantee to become quickly frustrated with his position within the roster, and basically mail in each game?  Perhaps this nickname is the only similarity this guy has to Utah’s Mailman of yore – the “Mail-it-in-man”.  With the competitive natures present on this team, his increasing lethargy as the season wears on is guaranteed to spark a furor or ten.
Sasha Vujacic
Rumor has it that he’s despised by even his own team-mates.  That’s the kind of dedication to task that we’d be hoping he’d be able to apply in the All-V team.  And the hair-band… just seeing a guy play basketball whilst wearing an alice-band is enough to earn my vehemence.
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