Power Rankings time! And as anyone who has read this blog for a while knows, I get bored with the regular style of Power Rankings. So I thought I’d do them with a bit of a difference this month.
If <insert team name> were an actor, they’d be…
1. Boston Celtics – If Boston were an actor, they’d be… Clint Eastwood. Old as your grandfather’s socks, but no-one kicks ass better.
2. San Antonio Spurs – If San Antonio were an actor, they’d be… Tom Hanks. Year in, year out, one of the best.
Getting on in years, and at times can be difficult to watch, but pretty much always gets the job done.
3. Dallas Mavericks – If Dallas were an actor, they’d be… Jessica Alba. Impossibly hot. So much fun to watch.
4. LA Lakers – If the Lakers were an actor, they’d be… Nicole Kidman. Gorgeous to watch, capable of phenomenal performances… but also capable of mailing it in and looking completely bored out there.
5. Miami Heat – If Miami were an actor, they’d be… Tom Cruise. A box office sensation, but either loved, or despised. Often gives the feeling of the hype being more than the actual product. But when he’s on, he’s right on the money.
6. Utah Jazz – If Utah were an actor, they’d be… Charlton Heston. Tough, straight down the line. Completely and utterly old school.
7. Orlando Magic – If the Magic were an actor, they’d be… Arnie. Nothing happening that’s particularly cerebral, but there’s no denying that watching the big guy beat up on the bad guys has always been hellish fun. Has done well re-inventing himself of late.
8. OKC Thunder – If Oklahoma City were an actor, they’d be… Miley Cyrus. Good, but simply too young to be taken completely seriously yet.
9. Chicago Bulls – If the Bulls were an actor, they’d be… John Travolta. One time great, who suffered a period of non-relevance… then reinvented himself and became damn good again.
10. New York Knicks – If the Knickerbockers were an actor, they’d be… Jim Carey. Some great moments, but there’s just not a lot of substance.
11. Atlanta Hawks – If Atlanta were an actor, they’d be… Keanu Reeves. Has some awesome moments, but as often as not performances are listless, and without passion. When playing alongside some of the other elite, just looks dead fish.
12. Denver Nuggets – If Denver were an actor, they’d be… Mickey Rourke. Tough as nails, but quite possibly slightly insane. Has managed to put in some brilliant performances, but will immediately follow them up with a turkey.
13. New Orleans Hornets – If NOLA were an actor, they’d be… Catherine Zeta-Jones. Looks good. Completely hot at times. But pretty much only able to do one thing, and when asked to go beyond that, well… simply falls flat. And just ‘looks’ good, as opposed to ‘being good’.
14. Phoenix Suns – If Phoenix were an actor, they’d be… Jack Nicholson. In the past, some incredible and amazing performances… but now? Pretty much done.
15. Indiana Pacers – If Indiana were an actor, they’d be… Edward Norton. The white supremacist piece was entertaining for a while, but it’s time to find something that actually works.
16. Milwaukee Bucks – If the Bucks were an actor, they’d be… Meg Ryan. Running around frenetically trying to get it all going with a big Aussie.
17. Memphis Grizzlies - If the Grizz were an actor, they’d be… William H. Macy. Talented, but something just seems to be missing. Works best when the light’s focused on someone else.
18. Portland Trail Blazers – If Portland were an actor, they’d be… Danny DeVito. At times has been incredible to watch, but the star’s faded, and has no height.
19. Golden State Warriors – If Golden State were an actor, they’d be.. Shannen Doherty. At one time pretty hot, but ended up screwed by Nelson.
20. Toronto Raptors – If Canada’s finest were an actor, they’d be… Steve Buscemi. Ugly as hell, but can be a lotta fun to watch.
21. Philadelphia 76ers - If Philly were an actor, they’d be… Elisha Cuthbert. Can’t really make up my mind if she’s actually good or not. At times looks great, at other times is lazy and lethargic. Can she make it? Who the hell knows…
22. Houston Rockets – If Houston were an actor, they’d be… Chris Tucker. Not too bad – has had some memorable moments, but without the Chinese guy it’s just not the same.
23. Sacramento Kings – If Sacramento were an actor, they’d be… Hayden Panettierre. Young, and looks good – but it’s too early to tell if she’s going to amount to anything.
24. Charlotte Bobcats – If Michael Jordan’s team were an actor, they’d be… Nicolas Cage. It’s the cringe factor: there’s something slightly embarrassing about a guy trying to relive past glories, but mired in futility.
25. Washington Wizards – If the Wiz were an actor, they’d be… Jackie Chan. Great – fast and entertaining, but the injuries hurt like hell.
26. New Jersey Nets – If the Nets were an actor, they’d be…. Val Kilmer. Once upon a time, one of the premier guys out there. But now? A reason to avoid the screen like the plague.
27. Detroit Pistons – If Detroit were an actor, they’d be… Eminem. Has looked great in the past, but he has as much chance reliving that as getting laid in a convent. Slim to none.
28. Minnesota Timberwolves – If Minnesota were an actor, they’d be… Steven Seagal. At one time, completely kicked ass. But now, seems to be living on past glories. Looks wooden, stale, and without direction.
29. Cleveland Cavaliers – If Cleveland were an actor, they’d be… James Dean. Had some huge moments in the past, but now… well, dead.
30. LA Clippers – If the Clippers were an actor, they’d be… Clint Howard. Despite some moments, looks awful, and perpetually in the shadow of his big brother.